38 Daynesborough Lane

Chittingsford

CS34 4DH

3rd May 2021

Dear Carol with an e,

 

A letter I’ve been to write for so long. It’s not been easy trying to navigate the rules of engagement. What and how I am supposed to convey feelings. Or even if I should be conveying feelings. In the age of social media where everything and everyone can be categorised….by this I mean that a feeling or wish or desire or observation finds itself within a thousand other feelings desires or wishes, when the writer just wants them to be unique - at least for that moment to that person.

 

I feel in this instant that my feelings are unique - even though in the big scheme of things they are not….

 

Maybe the feelings between you and me are unique - no one else has what we have.  And lest that it is unobservable. Which I think makes it even more unique.

 

Maybe I am too wrapped up in the method of communication instead of the actual words I mean to say.

 

It’s hard…

 

So hard….

 

Maybe I will show you instead, maybe we can meet, take something to take us away from reality so it’s as though I am writing to you but I will be actually there.

 

When I write and I send I love the anticipation of waiting to think about what you will say. I love that nervous feeling I have when I imagine you reading the letter. 

 

I can’t have that when we meet. So perhaps do let me know if you think I should write what I feel.

 

Although by now, I imagine you have a very certain idea of what I am going to say. It’s written all over this letter.  In that case, this letter is saying what I find un-sayable.

 

In which case….I await in nervous anticipation for your response.

 

And then maybe then, we meet…

 

Julia.